And it’s been a long December and there’s no reason to believe Maybe this year will be better that the last I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself To hold on to these moments as they pass

I've started this post 3 times now, and never got far enough to bother saving it. It seems appropriate that I'll finally finish it now that it's actually December. Considering that Nicole's great-grandmother passed away this morning, it's even more appropriate.

In many ways, it feels like the last 12 months have been the darkest part of winter, straight through. And while I hope there's a light coming at the end of this tunnel, I think there's still quite a bit of tunnel to get through. At least, for now, I'm pretty sure it's not a cave though.

This year has been so hard. Losing Aiden is, of course, the hardest part; and that is a part of everything else. We lost my Grandfather. Our extended family has lost two other babies this year as well. Nicole's sister-in-law lost her father last week. There have been other, smaller things as well. Two of my best friends have moved far enough away, that we'll be lucky to see them more than a couple times a year. There's the job.... The move, and finding out this week, that that little saga may be repeating itself.

This isn't to say there's no joy. While two friends moved far away, two other friends moved back. The person who was my social life before I was married is back, and you can't help but be happy around her. Another set of friends took a big step into the future this year when they bought a house, something that I know they've wanted to do, but haven't had the stability to do for a long time. (Didn't hurt any that the team they root for won the World Series a week before they closed too.) And the friends who moved away, finally were able to really start their lives together (even if they did have to do it at the other end of the country).

I found something I wrote a long time ago (when I was in school maybe?):

It has been told
That darkness portrays evil
But darkness is the canvas
That the light paints
Solid, unchanging --
The dark is constant
And light in its color
Movement, texture
Is changing -- fleeting
Temporary and passionate
The dark, logical and firm
The light is time
The dark -- space
The light moves -- always
Jumping, scattering, dancing
Keeping all that it touches
Alive and free
The dark holds, embraces
Encloses
Maintains
Together they are real
Apart, they do not exist

What's it all mean? I don't know right now. I'm not really at a point where I can assign meaning to things. I'm just letting things flow right now. We'll see what a new year brings.

Seriously. I've been looking at the same things so long that I'm bored with most of them. And there's no excuse for that... there's so much stuff out there that's just plain amazing, that I've let my routines lull me out of my exploration. I don't read a lot of the sites I used to read all the time. I haven't done any coding in quite a while. I haven't seen a new phototgraph that made me just go "wow" in a long time. And it's my own damn fault. I just quit trying. Even with this site... I'm kind of bored with it.

Part of this may be depression. Yeah, I know. There are a lot of people out there who self-diagnose and self-medicate (or seek medication as opposed to solutions) and I don't want to join that bull-shit train. I just know that lately my attention span has shrunk to miniscule proportions. I don't get things done that I should. And I know I'm not getting them done. I tell myself over and over-- "Get off your ass and do something." But I. Just. Don't. Care.

Maybe it's because the most important project of my life is not, cannot be, will never be, complete.

As my "darling" little brother has pointed out, I haven't posted lately. I've been very busy. So suck it up. All three of you.

As far as why I've been busy... well... since April 1 (my last real post) I've:

Buried my Grandfather
*Gone on Vacation
Moved
*Buried Aiden
*Gone to a Wedding

Items marked with * were out of state.

So yeah I've been busy. And most of the busyness has been very emotional for me. I'm not one to share my emotion with the world at large. So not a lot of what I go through on that level gets posted, because if I don't share it with you, then it's probably none of your damn business. Nothing personal, but I have a good close network of friends who I share with who I know will provide the support I need. Maybe someday you'll be in that group, and if so, you'll know I'll talk to you directly, rather than through this page.

That said, I do appreciate those people who do read the page, and things should be calming down a bit in my personal life (work is another matter, it's about to go all kinds of stupid) so I hope to have a chance to write more soon. In the mean time, go read the Baroque Cycle by Neal Stephenson. That'll keep you busy.

I've lived in a different world for the last month than I did before. When you think of your life after the birth of your child, you have expectations and ideas how your life will be, and you act accordingly. When Aiden died, all of that changed. My thoughts of "How young is too young to go to a baseball game?" or "How young is too young to do the LATE Ride?" or "I functioned on 4 hours of sleep in college, hopefully I can do it again." are replaced with a void. In many ways my life is the same as before we got preganant, but now, that life that seemed so full, has a gaping emptyness. Into this void flow thoughts about what might have been, what still might be, and what I want from my life as a whole.
When asked what I want to do with my life, my answer is that I want to be a husband and a father. That's what I am. But what I want as a profession or occupation, is something I've never been able to answer. I feel like I need to find the answer. I like my job, but I don't love it and some days it's tough to show up. I like the people I work with too. But it's a job, and doesn't look like it will be a career. The thing is, I'm not sure what I want to do. There are many things I enjoy doing, some of which I do well enough to make some money at, but I feel that I fall into the proverbial "Jack of all Trades, Master of None" category. I don't know... if you're aware of any jobs that require someone with a degree in Theater, 10+ years of Lighting experience, some photography skills, and some web-design experience, please let me know. Thanks.