Today marks what would be Aiden’s third birthday. We still miss him every day. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones who still think of him. I know a few of you still visit this site from time to time, and for that I thank you. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers, not only for us and for Aiden, but for everyone who has lost a child. It’s still hard, but there is still light at the end of the tunnel for us, and you each are part of that light. Thank you.

If you wish to do something in rememberance of Aiden (or any child who is not with us) please help make the life of a living child a bit happier by donating to Toys for Tots.

Thank you again.

We miss you and we love you Aiden (and our other little one who we did not get to meet).

Although I can’t claim to know him well, Mark is one of the people who helped get me started when I was learning just enough about WordPress to become facinated with it, and programming in general. He encouraged me, and treated me with respect. People like him are why I am still involved in Open Source Software.

Mark posted that his wife gave birth at 21 weeks to a daughter, who was able to be with them for only 15 minutes. Her name is Angel.

My heart breaks for Mark, Jennifer and Angel. I know this pain too well.

One of my best friends, Katie is having a baby tomorrow. The baby was due Tuesday, so they’re inducing. I’m very excited for Katie and her husband Chris and I think they’ll be fantastic parents. I’m looking forward to watching this baby grow and learn and do all those things that babies do that are very cute (and absolutely disgusting when anyone over 5 does them). But I have to admit to feeling some trepidation. Memories of Aiden’s birth are coming back to me, and it’s a little bit hard to sort out the joy that I’m feeling for Katie and Chris, from the scars that I will always carry. On the other hand, I’m ready for a reminder of how magical these tiny little people are.

Best of luck to Katie and Chris and the new little one who will be here soon.

crossposted on www.morydd.net

Two years ago today, at 10:46am, my son was born.

One of the people on a forum I read has this as their sig:

The decision to have a child is to accept that your heart will forever walk about outside of your body.” (Katherine Hadley)

What happens to those of us who made the choice to let our heart outside of ourselves, but whose hearts cannot walk around, can’t talk, can’t be seen? It’s much harder to find your heart this way. There are days when I feel sure that my heart is gone. For two years I’ve been having those days. But then, I remember that 2 years before that I gave part of my heart to someone else for safekeeping, and although her heart is broken and missing sometimes too, she has part of mine to get her through, and I have part of hers. And while it hard to survive on a part of someone eles’s heart, we do. And we know the rest of our hearts, while hard to find sometimes, are as safe as they could ever be.

To those of you who still visit this site from time to time, and those who find their way here, thank you. Even if we don’t know you, or even know about you, it does help to belive that Aiden lives on in the hearts of those he’s touched.

If you feel that you would like to do something to remember Aiden, we ask for birthday presents. Choose a toy, appropriate for a 2 year old boy, and donate it to toys for tots. Somewhere another parent will be able to have a little bit better time of year for their child, and Aiden will live on, in some small measure, in their heart too.

I miss you son.

There are times I wonder if this site is anything more than a digital headstone. Something that exists only to remind those of us who knew him so breifly, that Aiden was a part of our lives, and still is. I wonder if I should just shut down the comments and let the site stay as it is. But then I look at the comments that people have left and realize, that this site is not only for us, but the people who come across it, frequently by accident.

If this site brings comfort to another person, whether by showing someone who has lost a child that they are not alone, or by reminding someone who has a child, how precious that child is, it’s all worth it.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this site and taken a moment to remember Aiden, and to think about the love of your own families a bit. Please know that we take comfort too, in knowing we’re not alone. People sometimes say that the internet depersonalizes us, but through this site, I have felt connections with people I have never met, and probably never will.

Aiden, you’re still bringing meaning to my life. I love you.

Today is  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day again. Now, we’re on both sides of that. We have lost a pregnancy, and an infant. The pain of each is still real, the wound never heals, merely scabs over some. It doesn’t take much to tear that scab away. If you know someone who has lost a child, before or after birth, let them know you remember and think of them. They need to know.

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s hard to think of things to share with those of you who may read this, that I haven’t already said. We still miss Aiden. His lamb still sleeps in our bedroom. We’ve visited his grave several times. It’s a beautiful cemetary, and he has good company there. It seems like life goes in cycles for me. Every now and then, thing change. When they do it seems like many things change at once. I think one of those times may be happening again. I’ve thought that before and been wrong though. I spent Father’s Day on the road, which helped I think. Pretty much the only person I had to talk to all day was Nicole. Mother’s day almost hurts more.

The photos link works again. All the photos are back up. I’ll try to get pictures from the memorial service and cemetary up too.

I miss you Aiden. And I love you.

A few people have asked us if we are planning on doing anything for Aiden’s birthday. We would like to ask that anyone who feels like they would have given Aiden a birthday present, and who is able to, purchase a new toy to donate to Toys for Tots (or another similar group). Although Aiden will not be able to play with the toys, it would be great if someone is able to have some joy that they might have otherwise missed. We have decided that we will be making an age-appropriate donation each year in Aiden’s honor.